How Can I Help Restore Broken Relationships?
Lessons from the Biblical Book of Philemon
By Pastor Dan Trepanier

How many people have seen or are involved in broken relationships? We have all experienced hurt from the words, inappropriate activities, differing philosophies, lack of consideration, ungratefulness, misunderstandings, and misperceptions of others. Those things can lead to unresolved conflict that can last for days, months, or even years. The duration of the conflict is directly related to the stubbornness and unwillingness to change of the people involved. If we are honest, we will admit that is as true of ourselves as it is of others.

The apostle Paul addressed the book of Philemon to a man who had been wronged in a relationship. Paul’s desire was to help Philemon resolve the conflict and restore the relationship. Do you have that desire regarding your own unresolved conflicts, and do you want to be a genuine help to others in that way as well? Do you yearn to stop the nonsense, the pettiness, the pride, and the foolishness and instead promote unity and harmony? Life is short. Don’t waste time by waiting until it is too late. So many people weep more tears than they need to. Don’t be one of them. Pay close attention now to God’s Word in Philemon.

Tracing the Theme of Forgiveness

The main theme in Philemon is forgiveness. It is a major theme throughout the Bible. In the very first book of the Bible, we learn that God was the first Person to suffer an offense. He responded to the offenders, the first human pair, with grace and mercy, which included the promise of a Savior to offer forgiveness from the sin that now stained the whole world and everyone in it (Genesis 3:15). At just the right time, that Savior came in human form, and taught those who would be identified with Him to pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Why? “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:12, 14-15). Jesus Christ, who is God in human flesh, wants us all to understand that forgiveness from God is our greatest need, and that our forgiving others is the greatest way we can acknowledge to God our own indebtedness to Him.

On what basis does God offer forgiveness to you and me for our sins? Jesus said, “Unless you believe that I am He, you will die in your sins” (John 8:24). What, specifically, does God require us to believe about Jesus? “That God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them,” for on the Cross, God “made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him” (2 Corinthians 5:19, 21). Forgiveness and reconciliation of repentant sinners with God the Father through God the Son is the essential message of the Gospel or Good News of Jesus Christ.

How, then, does God expect those who accept that saving truth to apply it in their dealings with others? Paul explained it this way: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity” (Colossians 3:12-14). The book of Philemon is a personal application of those spiritual truths.

The Cast of Characters

Paul wrote to Philemon while imprisoned in Rome for preaching the Gospel. They became acquainted years earlier when Paul led Philemon to Christ during a missionary trip. Philemon lived in the city of Colossae (in the modern country of Turkey). He and his household proved to be faithful Christians, for Paul, in his short, one-chapter letter to Philemon, referred to him as “our beloved brother and fellow worker,” to Philemon’s wife, Apphia, as “our sister,” and to their son, Archippus, as “our fellow soldier” (vv. 1-2). Paul went on to address as well “the church in your house,” which shows that Philemon was a wealthy man with a house big enough for the church at Colossae to meet in regularly.

Another indicator of Philemon’s wealth is that he owned at least one slave. The slave’s name was Onesimus, which means “useful”—a name commonly assigned to slaves at the time as an obvious expression of hopeful thinking. In this Onesimus, however, those hopes at first proved unfounded because Onesimus ran away from his master, Philemon. Yet God was at work, and in his wanderings, Onesimus somehow met the apostle Paul while Paul was under a relaxed house arrest in Rome, and became a dedicated Christian. That led Paul to write to Philemon, “I appeal to you for my child Onesimus, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment, who formerly was useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me. I have sent him back to you in person” (vv. 10-12).

What would Philemon do? According to the Roman fugitive slave laws of the time, Philemon had the legal right to put Onesimus to death, or be harsh in exacting compensation for the temporary loss of valuable property (the average slave was valued at over a year’s wages for the common laborer). How could Paul appeal to Philemon’s Christian faith to help Philemon respond to Onesimus in a Christ-honoring way?

Some Preliminary Observations

A. Paul Was Directly Involved; He Was Not Being a Busybody—That is an important principle to grasp if you and I are to be truly effective in being peacemakers. Wise King Solomon wrote, “Like one who takes a dog by the ears is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him” (Proverbs 26:17): Both are sure to be bitten! Get involved in the troubles of others only if you already are involved. If you are not involved but you still are concerned, talk to God alone about your concerns, for He alone knows the situation perfectly, and has the ability to bring along the right person at the right time to help. Paul had close relationships with both Philemon and Onesimus, and was the human instrument God used in leading both men to saving faith in Christ. Their faith now made it possible for the two to relate to one another in a way they never could before, for as Jesus said, it is only those who are aware they have been forgiven much who have the correlating ability to love much (Luke 7:47).

B. Paul Involved Both Parties; He Refused to Take Sides—Here is another principle from King Solomon: “The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17). Gossips and busybodies take sides; those who would be just and fair take the time to consider carefully both points of view, and they labor to resolve the problem. Gossips labor to broadcast the problem, which only compounds it and makes resolution much more elusive. Paul knew Philemon and Onesimus well, so he could place himself in each others’ shoes—or sandals, and advise accordingly. For example, Paul’s inspired advice to Philemon does justice to the issue of monetary compensation, and his sending Onesimus back with a personal letter shows consideration for the dangerous position into which Onesimus was placing himself by daring to appear before the master he ran away from in the days of Imperial Rome.

C. Paul Appealed to God and His Word; He Didn’t Rely on Human Authority—See how Paul’s own personal authority takes a back seat in his appeal for Philemon to forgive Onesimus: “Though I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do that which is proper, yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you … for my child, who I have begotten in my imprisonment, Onesimus … but without your consent I did not want to do anything, that your goodness should not be as it were by compulsion but of your own free will” (vv. 8-10, 14). Paul knew that reconciliation, from God’s perspective, is not something that can wait. Jesus said, “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (Matthew 5:23-24). Onesimus was offering valuable service to Paul in prison, but Paul rightly recognized his duty to urge Onesimus to go back to Philemon with a personal appeal so the two could be reconciled.

How then were the two reconciled? In his letter Paul expressed confidence that Philemon would willingly do what is right by forgiving Onesimus. That the letter became widely circulated among the churches as a part of Holy Scripture is proof that he did forgive Onesimus, but what do we learn from evidence within the letter itself about how to help people forgive each other? Here are ten timeless principles of restoration from Paul’s letter to Philemon. More than ten can be extracted, but these will suffice to help you and me to be peacemakers.

Principles for Peacemakers

1. FOCUS ON COMMON GROUND—Paul focused on Philemon’s and Onesimus’s common faith in Christ. Of Philemon Paul wrote, “I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints” (v. 5). Saints, contrary to popular usage but according to biblical usage, is a term not just for extraordinary Christians, but for all true Christians. Philemon was about to learn that Onesimus was now one of the saints, for of him Paul wrote, “[He] formerly was useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me,” therefore living up to the meaning of the name Onesimus, and “He was … separated from you for awhile, that you would have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother” in Christ (vv. 11, 15-16). Paul did not ignore the issue of slavery, but he didn’t focus on it either, for that would only emphasize the past hurts rather than promote healing.

Going back to what I said earlier, faith in Christ is the key to forgiveness and reconciliation. Make sure first that you have been reconciled with God by embracing the Gospel of Christ, and that you clearly present the Gospel to everyone with whom you are seeking reconciliation, or among whom you are promoting reconciliation. The strength of one’s motivation to forgive is directly proportional to one’s deep awareness of how much one has already been forgiven.

2. POINT OUT THE POSITIVE—Paul had a sincere appreciation for Philemon’s positive qualities, and did not hesitate to mention them, even in prayer, saying, “I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and … faith …. I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother” (vv. 4-5, 7). Rather than attack Philemon, Paul praised him. He used a light touch, not a heavy hand, to promote the reconciliation that he knew needed to take place.

Rather than say something negative like, “You’ll be a hypocrite, Philemon, if you refuse to forgive Onesimus,” Paul kept his outlook positive: “Let me benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. Having confidence in your obedience, I write to you, since I know that you will do even more than what I say” (vv. 20-21). Here Paul is practicing what he preached about love in 1 Corinthians 13: It “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv. 7-8). That is how God demonstrated His own love toward us in Christ, and He empowers all who trust in Christ to love others in the same way. Paul reminded Philemon of his good testimony before other believers, saying essentially, “Look how God has used you to refresh fellow Christians!” Do you think that encouraged Philemon to keep up a good track record in how he chose to deal with Onesimus? I do.

Of great significance are your choice of words and tone of voice. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:21). “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable” (Proverbs 15:2). “A soothing [or affirming] tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1) “and a soft tongue breaks the bone” (Proverbs 25:15). Be gentle and positive, not harsh and negative, in your dealings with others, and you will reap the ample rewards.

3. APPEAL ON THE BASIS OF LOVE—That is the opposite of appealing on demand. Notice how Paul himself makes that contrast to Philemon: “Though I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do what is proper, yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you—since I am such a person as Paul, the aged, and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus” (vv. 8-9). We can be confident that the Bible teaches us to forgive one another, but rather than viewing it as a disagreeable duty, we are to see it as the instinctive reaction of a loving heart. Jesus explained that the two greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love others as we love ourselves. Christianity consists of loving relationships. If Philemon’s faith was real, and Paul already mentioned reasons for believing it was, Paul knew Philemon would be motivated to show love toward Paul, his beloved spiritual father, and toward Onesimus, whom he now realized was his new brother in Christ. If you are the one who has been wronged, are you willing to obey the two greatest commandments by showing love and forgiveness toward everyone concerned, regardless of how you might be treated?

4. ENCOURAGE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE—Before Paul’s letter arrived, if you mentioned Onesimus’s name to Philemon, what thoughts do you think would flood his mind? That Onesimus was a lazy, ungrateful, worthless runaway slave, perhaps? Surely Paul realized that, so notice how he describes Onesimus: “I appeal to you for my child, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment, Onesimus, who formerly was useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me” (vv. 10-11). The slave is now a child; the useless is now useful. That is a completely different perspective, but is also completely accurate from a Christian point of view. That is because “if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Be willing to see whom God makes new with new eyes, which is with a fresh, biblical perspective, and encourage others to do so as well.

5. PUT THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THE PROBLEM—Key themes in Paul’s letter to Philemon are Philemon’s mature faith in Christ, and his close relationship with Paul, his spiritual father. The problem raised in the letter is both addressed and resolved in the context of relationship. Paul helped Philemon to see that he needed to forgive Onesimus most of all for the Lord’s sake. What better way to please the One who said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35)? Knowing that Philemon was a true disciple of Christ, Paul made his personal appeal “for love’s sake,” being “such a person as Paul, the aged” (Philemon 9). On the surface, that might seem like a sentimental ploy, but it wasn’t because it reminded Philemon of the strong and true relationship he enjoyed with his spiritual father.

A good father helps all his children to cultivate close relationships with one another. He helps them to keep first in mind their tie to one another as the guiding principal in how they chose to think, speak, and act toward each other. Notice how Paul informs Philemon to view Onesimus: “No longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord. If then you regard me a partner, accept him as you would me” (vv. 16-17). Christians are members of God’s family, and forgiveness is one of the rules of the household because the household is governed by love. Family problems become manageable when dealt with in the context of family love.

6. LEAVE THE DECISION WITH THE ONE WHO WAS WRONGED—Which would you rather receive, especially when you have been wronged: a demand or an appeal? Paul the mighty apostle could have acted high and mighty, barking out orders to both Philemon and Onesimus, and he was up front about that fact, saying, “I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do that which is proper” (v. 8). The next word, however, takes that thought in the opposite direction: “Yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you” (v. 9). Why did Paul do that? This is the reason he gives in verse 14: “that your goodness should not be as it were by compulsion, but of your own free will.” That kind of goodness brings far more glory to God and is much easier to live with, for you know that whatever consequences may arise come by your choice rather than by being foisted upon you. Paul was careful not to underestimate Philemon, and that fact surely did not escape Philemon. You can almost hear Paul whispering into his ear, “You belong to the Lord, Philemon. I’m confident I can leave this decision with you because I trust you to do the right thing.” When you have confidence in someone, you can help bring out the best in that person.

7. SEE A DIVINE PURPOSE IN WHAT HAPPENED—Paul went on to say to Philemon, “Perhaps [Onesimus] was for this reason parted from you for a while, that you should have him back forever, no longer as a slave, but more than a slave, a beloved brother, especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord” (vv. 15-16). The basic spiritual principle is “that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Another way of saying that is we as believers can “consider it all joy” when we “encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of [our] faith produces endurance … that [we] may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4). That means even relationship problems can end up working out for good.

Paul could sympathize with the difficulty Philemon and Onesimus faced, for Paul himself was no stranger to relationship difficulties. One example is when he proposed a return missionary journey to Barnabas, a believer to whom Paul was indebted as a spiritual father almost to the degree that Philemon was to Paul. Barnabas was excited about Paul’s suggestion, and wanted to take “John, called Mark, along with them also. But Paul kept insisting that they should not take him along who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there arose such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and departed” (Acts 15:37-40). Cyprus was Barnabas’ hometown and Mark was his cousin. Imagine how Barnabas felt, having his own flesh and blood treated like that and essentially being chased away from a missions trip he was very interested in by the man he once took under his wing!

The important thing, however, is that several scripture references make it clear that Paul, Barnabas, and Mark (author of the gospel bearing his name) forgave one another and continued working with each other for Christ’s sake. Perhaps the most notable one for our study is in the book addressed to the church in Philemon’s hometown. In Colossians, Paul refers to “Onesimus, our faithful and beloved brother, who is one of your number” and “Barnabas’ cousin Mark … if he comes to you, welcome him” (4:9-10). Philemon knew Mark, for Paul wrote that Mark said to say hi to Philemon (Philemon 24), and Philemon undoubtedly knew of Paul’s past difficulty with Mark, so Paul’s referring to Onesimus and Mark in the same breath had to weigh heavily on Philemon’s mind. Since Paul could forgive Mark, couldn’t Philemon forgive Onesimus? Since Paul could trust in God’s sovereignty and humbly work out his relationship difficulties, who was Philemon not to? The same can be said of you and me. God preserved Paul’s example and many other biblical examples “for our instruction, that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (Romans 15:4).

8. BE WILLING TO ABSORB THE CONSEQUENCES—For matters to be right between Philemon and Onesimus, Philemon needed to forgive Onesimus. The ball was in his court. Would he choose to play it? Paul must have been wondering if there was anything he could do to make it easier for Philemon, who was bearing the brunt of the relationship difficulty, to carry through with God’s clearly revealed will. Notice his generous offer in verses 18-19: “But if he has wronged you in any way, or owes you anything, charge that to my account; I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand, I will repay it.” It was Paul’s practice to dictate his letters to a scribe and then add a handwritten note near the end for a personal touch and affirmation of authenticity. In this case, however, it also serves as an I.O.U., and for no trifling amount: For a slave to fund a runaway journey from Colossae all the way to Rome likely involved his stealing substantial money and supplies from his master.

True biblical love is costly. It holds no relationship or possession too dear to be sacrificed for the divine priorities of forgiveness and reconciliation. Think about what Paul wrote of the noblest, highest example of this kind of love: “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men…. He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him” (Philippians 2:5-9). “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus left behind the riches of heaven and His face-to-face intimacy and equality with God the Father to subordinate Himself willingly to the Father’s plan for purchasing the forgiveness and reconciliation of the people who would trust in the Son.

One of those people was Paul. If you are too, realize that God “gave us the ministry of reconciliation…. We are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us” (2 Corinthians 5:18, 20). Like Paul, be willing to sacrifice your finances or whatever else would be helpful in imploring others to be reconciled with God and with one another.

9. CONSIDER ONE’S OWN CONNECTION TO CHRIST—That point is listed ninth in the flow of the text, but is really first in terms of its importance. Right after his offer to cover Philemon’s losses on account of Onesimus, Paul added, “Brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. Having confidence in your obedience, I write to you, since I know that you will do even more than I say” (vv. 20-21). Just before his financial offer, he wrote, “If then you regard me as a partner, accept him as you would me” (v. 17). Those are all reminders of what is really most important to us as Christians: our connection to Christ and to each other. We are brothers and sisters in Christ, partners in “our common salvation” (Jude 3), “heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ” (Romans 8:17). Notice in Philemon how Paul described his own connection to Christ: as “a prisoner [on behalf] of Christ Jesus” (vv. 1, 9). Jesus said to His disciples, “Apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). I would venture to say that apart from Him, we are nothing. Keeping in mind your connection to Christ, can you ever really say you are so hurt or offended that you cannot forgive?

10. PERSONALLY PROMOTE CLOSURE—Observe how Paul finished his letter to Philemon: “Prepare a lodging; for I hope that through your prayers I shall be given to you. Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, greets you, as do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, Luke, my fellow workers. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit” (vv. 22-25). Here is Paul living out our Lord’s injunction to be “shrewd as serpents, and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16), for he applied friendly pressure and accountability to Philemon. The matter regarding Onesimus is not left dangling. Philemon had a choice to make that he might well need to tell Paul about in person in his own home, and news of it would certainly go to Mark and company. But Paul was confident of Philemon’s obedience, and so am I.

When you are having trouble forgiving someone, or are seeking to be the peacemaker, remember Paul’s little letter to Philemon. Let it motivate you to “seek peace, and pursue it” (Psalm 34:14). The apostle Peter cited that Psalm in the third chapter of his first letter. It contains a fitting conclusion to the matter of restoring broken relationships: “To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9).
 

This is edited from a Sunday-morning sermon given by Pastor Dan Trepanier on December 26, 2004 at Fellowship Bible Church in Methuen, Massachusetts. The Scripture quotations are from the New American Standard translation (© 1995), which Pastor Dan used when delivering this message.

© 2005 by Fellowship Bible Church. All rights reserved.